


Falling Apart

by Bookworm1121



Series: The Magicians Fanfics [8]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 20:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17967863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookworm1121/pseuds/Bookworm1121
Summary: Quentin falls into his inner darkness again.





	Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Within this fanfiction, Quentin references his previous suicide attempts, and admits he has suicidal thoughts. If you or anyone you know, is going through this, please try and reach out for help.  
> Hotlines in the United States:  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (ESP): 1-888-628-9454  
> Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741-741  
> The TrevorLine (LGBT Lifeline): 1-866-488-7386  
> TrevorText: text TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200  
> The Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860  
> Any other hotlines can be found: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines  
> Please, do not be afraid to reach out for help. You are supported and loved. You are worth a life, and you deserve to be allowed. Things will get better, I promise.

Quentin stared at the ceiling, sighing. He bit his lip, hard, as he tried to stop himself from crying. Ever since his quest to find the Abyss Key, he hadn’t been okay. He knew his depression was hitting him at full force, but he pushed it aside, trying to focus on the quest.

Hence the reason he was to go eager to stay in the castle for the rest of eternity. Quentin felt responsible for everything that had happened. Before, magic was fine. There weren’t monsters or beasts or gods trying to destroy the universe. Everything was normal.

Until Quentin showed up, he swallowed the lump in his throat, wondering if magic was worth it. Magic killed his dad. Magic was the reason Julia was raped, and magic was the reason Eliot was possessed. Magic killed Penny from his timeline, and magic caused Alice to become a niffin.

What was the point? Why did Quentin continue to try and restore and save magic, when it never helped him in return? He groaned, covering his face with his pillow.

“Q?” Julia said, behind the door, “can we talk?”

“I want to be alone.”

“Quentin, please, I’m worried about you. I haven’t seen you like this since . . . you know.”

Quentin sighed; he knew exactly was she was referencing. She was referencing to his freshman year of high school when Quentin attempted suicide for the first time. Quentin had become reckless, uncaring about his friends and family. He shut himself away, pushing away Julia, his father, and his boyfriend—Nick—at the time. Quentin tired overdosing, but Ted walked into Quentin’s room in time to save Quentin.

Quentin resented his father for saving him and resented him for admitting Quentin into an institution. Julia hated him for months after the attempt, and she blamed herself for not saying anything when she knew something was wrong. Nick broke up with him, unable to deal with the suicidal boyfriend—which at first Quentin hated but grew to understand. 

“It’s not like that.”

“Really? Because you seemed very determine to die back there.”

“Julia.”

“Don’t ‘Julia’ me. Do you think Eliot would want you to get yourself killed for him? It’s a big gestor, but he will forgive himself. Do you want him to carry that guilt?”

“If this is you trying to make me feel better, you are doing a horrible job.”

Julia chuckled, placing her hand on the doorknob, “Please, can I come in?”

Quentin sighed, knowing Julia wouldn’t give up. She once spent the entire night, sitting outside of his dorm room. She waited for him to open the door, but she never made him do it. After sitting outside the door for three hours, Quentin opened the door. 

She stood up, quickly, looking at him. His eyes were bloodshot—she assumed from crying. Immediately, Julia hugged Quentin, whispering everything was going to be okay. She didn’t know what happened, nor was she going to ask. Quentin and Julia spent the rest of the night crammed in his twin bed. Quentin cried into her chest, and Julia whispered reassuring words to him.

“Sure, come in,” Quentin said.

Julia opened the door, slipping inside. She crawled on his bed, lying next to him. They lay next to each other, not speaking. Julia—waiting for Quentin to talk first—stayed silent. She didn’t touch him, not knowing what he needed, so they stayed shoulder to shoulder. 

“I love him,” Quentin said, “Fuck, I haven’t said that out loud in forever.”

“Since you told me about the quest,” Julia said, “That feels like forever ago.”

“He rejected me.”

“I know, Q.”

“But I still love him.”

Julia sighed, “I know.”

“I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“You have me. You have Margo too. There are Penny and Kady and Alice and Josh too. We all are here for you.”

“Margo has Fillory. Kady and I aren’t that close. Josh and I barely talk, and Penny has you. I’m pissed at Alice right now, and I don’t want to talk to her. And you have your goddess stuff.”

“You are wanted, Q. I don’t care if Eliot made it seem like he didn’t want you. He wouldn’t have used those phrases to show it was him. You are loved by so many people.”

Quentin stared at the ceiling, swallowing, “Why? All I do is fuck things up. I brought The Beast to our world. I didn’t accept you could do magic and it caused you to summon Reynard—”

“That is not your fault. Don’t you dare blame yourself for something he did.”

“—it caused you to lose your shade. I killed Alice. I brought Alice back, ruining her. I killed Ember that caused magic to go out. I couldn’t stay with The Monster, and that caused it to possess Eliot. I’m the reason my dad is dead now too.”

“None of those things are your fault. Quentin, please, don’t blame yourself for those things. You killed Alice to protect Margo and Eliot. You killed Ember because we thought it was the only solution. You couldn’t have stopped it from possessing Eliot, and you didn’t cause Reynard to rape me.”

“Why do I feel guilty, then?” he asked, his voice cracking. 

Julia looked at him, her heartbreak. Quentin’s eyes filled with tears, and he couldn’t stop them from falling down his cheeks. Julia wrapped her arms around him, hugging him, “Because we always blame ourselves for shit.”

Quentin nodded, “It hurts, Jules. Everything hurts so much. I can’t—Julia—I can’t keep doing this. I want out.”

Quentin’s soft sobs were quiet again Julia’s chest, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She needed to keep herself together for him. She could be upset later, right now Quentin needed her to be strong—strong like he had been for everyone else for so long.

“I just want to die,” he whimpered, “but I need to save Eliot. I need to bring him back because I will never forgive myself if Eliot dies.”

“I know, baby. But you need to keep fighting, okay? We can go to the doctor, get you some new medications. But please, Quentin please, don’t hurt yourself.”

Quentin sniffled, nodding, “I’ll call my doctor. Set up an appointment.”

“Good. Do you want me to go with you?”

“There’s The Monster, and it needs help getting the body parts.”

“Q, I don’t give a fuck. If you need me there, I’ll be there.”

“Can you drive me there and drive me back? It might get emotional, and you know how driving would be a bad idea.”

“Course,” Julia smiled, kissing his head, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Quentin, hugging Julia’s waist, sighed. He closed his eyes, listening to Julia’s heartbeat. 

Eliot was important, and defeating The Monster was important. Destroying the library for their corruptness was also important.

However, Quentin—for the first time—found himself more important. He needed to put himself first, and he needed to get help. Quentin looked up at Julia, “Thanks, Jules.”

“You don’t need to thank me. You’re my best friend, and I’m yours. Our jobs are to support each other through hard times. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Quentin nodded, closing his eyes again. Julia played with his hair, running her fingers through the strands of hair, massaging the scalp. Quentin hummed, slowly falling asleep. After Julia knew he was asleep, she looked down at him. She let out a shaky breath, biting her lip, “Q, what are we going to do with you,” she whispered, “I hate seeing you like this. You deserve so much better.”


End file.
